I Do Not Like You

Brandy has stopped calling our house because she has been made at us. You will be happy to know that Brandy is no longer mad at us- so let the fun begin again!

Brandy’s Word of the Day

Head Pain-

Main Entry: ¹head pain

Pronunciation: \ˈhed ˈpān\

Function: noun

1: Another Word For Headache

     Example: I have a Headpain because the Jerk keeps slamming doors.

And I Do Not Like…

From: Brandy
Subject:
To: Mark
Date: Wenesday, November 12, 2008

DEAR MARK,11-12-08 HOW ARE YOU DOING? AND  I DO  NOT  IIKE HEAHER? AND SDENDY IS DOINGOK? AND I   DO  NOT  LIKE   YOU? AND   SIMONE IS  WORKING? AND   I DO NOT LIKE LARRY STOKES? FROM:BRANDY

Don’t Take On Brandy

Brandy was at our apartment yesterday after a breakfast with our Dad. She wanted to go home right away and didn’t want to shoot any videos or anything. However our Mom didn’t want to come pick her up… and we had to take care of some things before we took Brandy home.

And you see how Happy Brandy Is Dancing to Ah-Ha’s Take on Me song in the video below? Well imagine her in a total opposite mood screaming “FUCK YOU!” at the top of her lungs and pinching her cheeks so hard it starts bleeding and flipping me off. That was Brandy yesterday afternoon. I am waiting for the notice from our apartment manager’s office asking to investigate the apparent murder that took place in our apt because Brandy was non stop screaming. She also tore her own shirt and punched her head at least 5 times.

But let’s not think of that Crazy Screaming Mother F’er you Brandy. Let’s all dream of butterflies and puppies and watch Brandy dance in a happy dance state. A-Freakin’-Men.

Bras Are Sexy Fun

Brandy and I went shopping at Mervyn’s- which we will both desperately miss when they finally close the last store. However- we were walking by the Large Mama Bra section and I decided to have some fun with Brandy.

Me: Look- It’s a Hat!

Brandy: Criss Angel Likes Sexy Bras. I need a size A or B or whatever.

Me: But this one is a hat. This is sexy.

Brandy: Whatever! Criss Angel will think I am crazy.

Me: Let me take a picture.

Brandy: God Damn It! I will call the cops!!

“Is it a Hat or an Ear Muff?”

“The White One Matches My Outfit”

Yelling Out The Window Is Normal

In September our cousins Doug and Meredith came for a visit and stayed with our Mom and Brandy. Coincidentally- this was about the same time kids started going back to school. Now I had been receiving messages from Brandy about her having to yell at the kids about standing in the front yard. I had no idea what that meant.  Until Doug and Meredith confirmed that Brandy did indeed yell out the window at some kids near the front yard. It seems that the new school bus stop is on the corner and Brandy’s house is on the corner and that equals some yelling fun at 7 o’clock in the morning. Brandy is pretty clear that she doesn’t  want ANY kids in the front yard at all. I don’t know about you- but if I was a 7 year old- and had a Mad Brandy yelling out the window “To get the F’er off the Front Yard God Damn It”- and had to chose between staying in line for the school bus and running home crying- it would be a tough call.

Just saying.

This is Brandy’s Final Warning!

I Will Stab You

Sometimes Brandy can be Sweet as Honey. And other days? Well- Brandy can be just straight up mean. The other day we were at lunch with our Mom. But the Mexican restuarant did not have Nachos on their menu. And Brandy wanted her some Nachos. And so our Mom was asking Brandy “Do you want a chicken enchilada or a taco salad?”. Brandy answered “What? No Nachos? I will stab you.”

“I may be Cute- but I know where the Knives are.”

Everything is Taller in Las Vegas

With Brandy being a dwarf- she is a very good judge of who has a nice ass and who doesn’t. Cuz let’s face it- she has  great vantage point of butts all day. And that is perfect for – let’s say- hanging with the Thunder From Down Under gentlemen. But it doesn’t help with all of the Tall Nonsense happening in Vegas. Even the show girls are 7 feet tall!

The slot machines cater to tall people. There are no regular chairs in Vegas- there are stools. And let me tell you- Brandy sometimes picked a slot machine that had a stool with no foot bar. It sometimes took us 10 minutes to get Brandy into a stool. Sometimes I had to get two stools and have Brandy hold on to one while I maneuvered her into another by either swinging her, pulling her or pushing her. Or she would hold onto the slot machine as I tried to lift one leg onto the stool. I am sure the security guards watching the videos of the casinos had a good laugh at us.

“I sprained my ankle, Heather almost tore out my arm, & my boobs hurt getting onto this Mother F’er Stool!”

Even the bed at the MGM Grand was tall. Brandy couldn’t get onto the bed. The first time- I helped her by having her put her foot between the mattresses and kind of using that as a step to get in the bed- while I pushed her up from behind. But finally I got smart and put a chair that was lower than the bed by Brandy’s bed. Then Brandy got onto the chair- then climbed onto the bed. Success!

You hoist yourself up onto a bed that comes up to your chest!

Brandy couldn’t see over any counters or bars in Vegas either. Forget the table games at the casinos. It’s a Tall Man’s world in Vegas.

Somtimes Taller Is Better

Do Not Call- Do Not Pass Go – Do Not Collect $200

Last night Brandy called my house and cell phones with a vengeance. I was trying to watch a movie On-Demand called Waitress- but Brandy was calling every 5 mins. I mostly ignored the calls but after an hour of non stop calls- 20 missed calls and 7 messages left on my cell- I finally answered the phone.

Me: Brandy!

Brandy: God Damn it! I am not going to Las Vegas with You! BITCH! I am not going to your house to shoot a video because you are an Asshole!

Click.

Damn. I resorted to what every adult would do in this situation. I called our Mom and tattled on Brandy- begging that my mom take away her cordless phone. And as I was doing so- Brandy was calling Mark on his cell. CAUGHT IN THE ACT! Funny- when the Mom opened Brandy’s bedroom door the call stopped instantenously.

I am really close to changing all of my phone numbers. Because the Brandy calling can at times- get overwhelming. Someone please buy her a Puzzle or something!

Brandy Can’t get Any Sleep

Last night just after 9:00 PM I get a call from a very upset Brandy. Now if you know anything about Brandy- it’s that she goes to bed very early. By 8:00 PM she is mostly in bed -asleep- happily dreaming about Nick Carter and George Michael.

But last night something woke her up.

Me: Hello?

Brandy: GOD DAMN IT! Simone is outside screaming and the kid’s parents are going to call the cops and the Jerk is killing a snake with a shovel. I am SHIT UNHAPPY.

Me: Brandy?

Brandy: I need to call the police.

Me: Brandy? Why aren’t you in bed?

Brandy: There’s a god damn snake in the yard.

And just as I was telling Brandy to calm down and go back to sleep….our Mom calls me on a different line. She confirms the snake story- says it was rattlesnake that chased her through the front yard as she was returning from a late night jaunt to the store.  The Jerk indeed killed the rattlesnake with a shovel. But no one called the cops although it seems that everyone was screaming like little girls. And there you go. Brandy can’t get no sleep no how.

“Enough is Enough! Brandy is tired of these Mother F’er Snakes in this Mother F’er yard!”